Waste of time?

 When I first created the Church Of Doug, it was to keep a library of programming code segments in one location.  In order to organize the various elements, I created the Church of Doug to help me find what I was looking for.  For example, if I needed a good randomizer, I knew if I built a page that randomly posted text (Sayings of Doug), I would more easily remember where to look for my random number generator.

Moreover, the Church Of Doug became my sandbox for testing out new code.  I would post something to see if it would work.  If it did, then I could simply copy the new idea into the project I was working on.

This no longer happens.  Instead, this site has become less of a development and testing sandbox and more of a slightly stale and crusty relic of my screams for attention?  Perhaps not the right word.  I have something meaningful to say and I don't want it cluttered with distraction.

I spent yesterday updating the back end of the site to be compatible with my new web technology.  I used an MVC format on my other sites before deciding to update this one.  And the only reason I wanted to update this one is so that I could have a simple way to post/share a specific saying as opposed to the random-only format it was.  I'm intrigued that the site I used to use for design and development is now the last place to receive my current (albeit almost outdated) process.

Why do I bother?  In general, nobody reads these posts or visits the Church Of Doug website.  The Facebook version draws very few.  Why then, do I persist?  Am I simply a glutton for rejection and enjoy being ignored?

I don't think so.  While I have a fantasy that someday, people will flock to my words, the realist in me knows that is not ever going to happen.  So is this now a waste of time?  What's it worth to me to keep this going?

With all the other areas of my life demanding my attention, this site still brings value to me.  I look back at what I've written.  I realize I have refined some things and changed my emphasis on other things.  It is for me, and me alone I am really doing this for.  I can help myself better understand myself and my motivations.  Helping me become a better me is a major goal of mine.

That brings with it a certain sadness.  I'm sad because I have something I want the rest of the world to contemplate.  I want the world to benefit from my discovery/understanding.  I believe my form of faith, a mixture of light heartedness and deep contemplation, paired with a loving and compassionate soul, is one society would benefit from.  (Certainly not the individual followers, as it is a difficult path to stay on.)

Yes, I want others to follow my example.  The world would be a better place if all people presumed innocence of the actions and words presented to them.  Imagine people helping each other selflessly to the point where there is no need to be selfish. Yes, the world I am encouraging through my own actions and thoughts would be better than the killing, theft, and abuse I see all around me.  If only people would be more like me!  Sigh, I also want them to live their own lives and not mine.  The diversity of this world is what makes it truly beautiful.  I would probably hate a world if everyone was "just like me".  It would be like painting with one color, no background color, no shades of brightness or texture.  All one and the same.  That would be boring.  Knowing me, I would do something to change it in the name of intellectual stimulation or variety.  No, I really don't want the whole world to read it and become identical no matter how much "better" it is.  It isn't.

So, why do I waste my time posting all of this if I don't want the world to see it.  I think it is for a few reasons.  It is for me.  I get to see myself with a longer view than my mind allows me to see.  I'm not distracted by current filters as much when I see what I was thinking before.  It is for my friends.  They get to see under the hood, into my naked thoughts.  They get to know me better, even if it is in retrospect.  And finally, perhaps a small handful of people throughout the world may see it and this is a seed of an idea they may germinate in their own lives and towns, done their way...with their own spin on these thoughts.

Besides, is it really a waste of time?  Compared to what?